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Monday, March 17, 2014
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I keep doing this.. who knew one person could try out so many "fresh starts"??
So, this has no doubt been the hardest year of my life. A year which I will be taking much more than this one post to try and explore. But for today, I will be talking about love and loss. Doors closing and opening.. even if only just a crack at first.
I would like to share something that I wrote recently. My Mom asked me to, and it is something I probably should have taken the time to write months ago. However, I put it off due to the pain it brought up to the surface. Even now, 8 months later I sobbed my way through the entire composition. But I made it, and it has helped to have it all out there and not trapped in my heart.
So, this has no doubt been the hardest year of my life. A year which I will be taking much more than this one post to try and explore. But for today, I will be talking about love and loss. Doors closing and opening.. even if only just a crack at first.
I would like to share something that I wrote recently. My Mom asked me to, and it is something I probably should have taken the time to write months ago. However, I put it off due to the pain it brought up to the surface. Even now, 8 months later I sobbed my way through the entire composition. But I made it, and it has helped to have it all out there and not trapped in my heart.
Lorelia
I have never been a dog person. They are stinky, drool, stick their wet noses on your butt, and have absolutely no personal bubble. That’s not to say I disliked dogs, I just didn’t want them on me… or in my house. At one point I found that I liked puppies. Cute, sweet, lovable, and above all small! But as is natural, all puppies grow up. That is, until I found a forever puppy, and a forever friend.
Having PCOS is something that has controlled the majority of my life. I have been sick a lot, and the aftermath of the symptoms have put me in some really dark places. I always thought I would be married and have kids before I was 20. That didn’t happen for me, and it hit me a lot harder than I would like to admit. I did meet the love of my life and was married just before my 23rd birthday; however a few years after we were married we realized we weren’t getting pregnant. I soon found out I had issues that made it more than likely I would never be able to have my own baby. My husband and I both played it down and said it will happen when the time is right. Inside though, I was breaking. I felt empty and alone. At this same time we lived very far away from my closest friends, and I being a social person desperately needed that closeness. My husband would get lost in his world of computers and technology and I felt so empty and purposeless. I was sinking into a vortex of despair that I would try to hide from the rest of the world. I didn’t want to be that person, but I could feel it swallowing me. I didn’t want to get up at all. I would stay in bed until 3 in the afternoon hiding from my thoughts and others input. I would pretend I had done things all day, but really had no desire to do anything. It all felt so pointless and menial. After a year or so of this I tried some anti-depressant pills. But as my husband puts it, I went from depressed to “freakin crazy!” So a year, and a lot of fights, later those were cast aside. This crazy depressed, useless state of mind was taking away my glow. I could feel it shrinking into a darkness that I didn’t know how to ever come out of.
In early 2008 I went on a much needed trip to visit my Mom up in Portland. She had told me she was living with her Aunt (the crazy lady with a zillion dogs) and had been able to get a “wonderful little Chihuahua” of her very own. I, being the brat I am, thought “Great a growling little ankle biter. Hope she keeps it away from me”. When she picked me up at the airport she had this little black mouse/dog with her. Despite my hesitation, I found her curled up on my chest and sleeping happily 10 minutes into the ride home. I melted and by the time my visit was over I told my Mom I wanted one of her puppies if she got pregnant. Ok, what I really said was “I am taking your Dog with me! Say Bye-bye”. But when that didn’t fly, then we discussed puppies.
About 7 months later my husband and I ended up moving to Portland area ourselves. A short time later Sofie (my Mom’s dog) was at the point she could be bred. I helped with the breeding, the gestation period, and the Christmas birth or 4 tiny little rat-dogs. I remember as I pulled out the dark chocolate girl and clipped her umbilical cord I knew. I just knew she was the one for me. I named her that night, Lorelia Chocho. Chocho means butterfly in simple childlike Japanese, because I knew she would have the big beautiful butterfly ears like her mom. However, she was more often called my ‘Angel Baby’. I went to visit them every day, and I would hold her close to my face and gently breathe hot air onto her neck.
After a long 10 weeks of getting big and strong I got to take her home with me. After that day my Angel Baby and I were inseparable. For the first time in as long as I could remember I wanted to get up in the mornings. I wanted to do things with my life. It started out simply that I had to take her outside to go potty unless I wanted a mess. I needed to train her to be well behaved. She jumped on my face and licked me to death for making her wait too long before getting up. I found I was enjoying going out again if I had her with me because she was so excited to go anywhere. Everywhere we went people fell instantly in love with her. Lolo was the sweetest most lovable puppy they had ever met, and it made me feel proud, loved and accepted myself. I trained her to sit in a cart without barking, growling, or trying to jump out. I taught her many tricks like; sit, dance, rollover, speak, and lay down. This gave me a much needed sense of accomplishment and therefore worth. I had officially rejoined the land of the living with my amazing companion at my side. I felt purpose, confidence and success all by means of her undying love and devotion. Most importantly, I was truly happy.
Live has been especially hard for me the last few years. Surgeries, partial separation from my dear husband, loss of loved ones… but I was doing ok. Making it through these dark times because I had my little life saver curled up in my bed with me every night, and her happy wagging tail to great me every time I came back into a room. I never felt really alone anymore, and I didn’t have that lost empty feeling trying to swallow me down. Lorelia had become the light in my life I so desperately needed and she changed my life forever.
March 9th 2012… My house burned down. I had left Lolo and her brother Jojo home that night while I went to a play and dinner with friends. The dogs were shut in my room which is where the fire was. Despite that neither dog was burned at all, the smoke was far more than their little bodies could handle. Jojo was already gone when they were finally found, and as I sat in the ambulance for hours in shock, my soot covered baby was brought to me. I held oxygen on her mouth for about an hr, and then took her to the vet. They said her oxygen levels were good. Lorelia was a fighter, and she hung on so hard. She proved to the Dr I could take her home the next day by walking for my when she couldn’t for them. By perking her head up when I walked into the room when she was completely lethargic for them. She comforted me even though it was her that was in pain. I heard her crying as she slept, but if I cried she pressed her little head into me and penetrated my heart with her love. She couldn’t walk right, but for me she would try, even stumbling outside to go potty because she knew I wanted her to. Never had I seen an animal try so hard to please someone. And despite all the loss, I still had my joy, my Angel Baby.
On the 3rd evening, as I thought I was seeing improvement Lorelia suddenly went into seizures that neither I, nor the vet were ever able to stop.
Facebook post March 13 at 6:15pm via mobile ·
· My baby is gone from this world now. I love her with all my heart forever. She saved me when I needed her so. Goodbye my precious Angel Baby Lorelia.
Lorelia Chocho, born the cold morning of December 27th 2009 in Estacada Oregon really did save my life. She was a gift from God, and a light to the world and my life. These little dogs can change a person with their unwavering love and joy. They may not be doing a service like leading the blind out of a busy street, but how is that of any greater value than leading a soul out of darkness? For that she will always be loved and remembered.
Eight Months LaterI have been so lonely and emotional all these months. I miss my baby so very much. I have been going to the animal shelter regularly and playing with the little dogs there. It has been good for me because now I can actually play with and love on the dogs and not just sit with them in my arms while I sob. (Improvement I'd say)
And now, at last, Lorelia and Jojo's sister Reighly who lives with a wonderful family in Arizona has had a little of puppies. There are 3 black boys, and one tan blessing of a girl that is going to come live with me. I cried the first picture I saw of her, and don't think I have ever been this excited about the birth of something.
I have decided to name her Aria, because Aria means song and the 1st time I saw her face it brought a song of joy to my heart.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
October! It is just a few weeks shy of the monumental day (my Birthday) that I decided to change things. So, here is is essentially 1 year later and where am I? I am living in a house I love, in a city I love, still without the man I love. (But he says we are resolving that in December when he comes home to me here to go to school at a school we love!). I finally have a car that is the newest nicest one I have ever had, and the price was sooo right! And *drum roll please* I am down 70 lbs. I did not reach my 100 lb goal for the one year, nor did I take a picture every day. And for that matter with the complications of life I have slacked at the gym these last 2 months horribly. But I am still happy with my progress, and am motivated to continue moving forward. I see progress in my life and feel better about myself. I see hope for me and I know I can reach my goals. It is just a lot of hard work and determination. I am looking for a gym buddy to re motivate with, and looking forward to loosing another 70 (or 100) lbs in the upcoming year. I am so excited for the love of my life coming back to be with me, and the hope that that gives me for our future. I may hate my job, but I love life and want to live it to the fullest.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Down, but not out.
Life has been really hard for me the past few months. Honestly, the hardest of my life thus far. I would like to say I have risen from adversity to new heights... but I actually feel not a lot of good has come from it all. However, I wanted to talk about the one good I can actually see (and feel) right now.
I am not sure if it is because of so much time alone, or maybe something to focus on when nothing else seems worth it. But I have lost over 40 lbs. I am at my lowest weight in over six and a half years. I go to the gym a minimum of 3 days a week. My typical workout involves either an hour of laps/water arobics in the pool, or a half hour on the treadmill followed by about a half hour of weights. Paired with things like raquetball, dance, steamroom, and some biking. I watch my calorie and carb intake, and I fill up on mass amounts of fruits and veggies. I am more focused on my health and wellness than I ever have been. I take my Metformin regularly, and I try very hard to maintain my spiritual needs along with my physical.
I still have a long ways to go to reach my goal (need to lose between 120-150 more lbs). But for the 1st time I feel like my goals may actually be obtainable.
So, life may get me down... but I will do my best not to let it knock me out.
I am not sure if it is because of so much time alone, or maybe something to focus on when nothing else seems worth it. But I have lost over 40 lbs. I am at my lowest weight in over six and a half years. I go to the gym a minimum of 3 days a week. My typical workout involves either an hour of laps/water arobics in the pool, or a half hour on the treadmill followed by about a half hour of weights. Paired with things like raquetball, dance, steamroom, and some biking. I watch my calorie and carb intake, and I fill up on mass amounts of fruits and veggies. I am more focused on my health and wellness than I ever have been. I take my Metformin regularly, and I try very hard to maintain my spiritual needs along with my physical.
I still have a long ways to go to reach my goal (need to lose between 120-150 more lbs). But for the 1st time I feel like my goals may actually be obtainable.
So, life may get me down... but I will do my best not to let it knock me out.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My PCOS posts over the years
I thought it might be interesting (to some) my account of my PCOS issues over the years. I just copied all my posts off the forum I go to and thought I would share them here. No biggie, just me blabbing.
Starting Metformin tomorrow
day 3 and still OK.
Coming Home
Over (and over and over and over)
05-21-2007 05:03 PM
PCOSucks!
OK, well here is my big debut. I am guess I am hoping if I spread some info about me there must be someone who can tell me if I am going about this the right way, and if there are other things I should watch for, and well, just the support is nice to.
I am 26 yrs old. I have been over weight my entire life. (About 200 lbs since age 14) I grew REALLY fast from 8-12. For no real reason. I did all the normal kids stuff and it did no good. Anyways I have had heavy long periods since I was 11.
in October of 2003 I got married to my wonderful loving Husband Greg. 1 month before the wedding I started BC. It raised hell with my hormones and weight. 1 yr, and 100 lbs later i stopped cold. So did my wight gain. (Unfortunately the unbalance of moods lasted a bit longer) Ok, so I did not have a menstrual cycle for 4 months after going off. Then I had horrible pain, and HUGE clots and found out I had miscarried at about 2 weeks. that is when the bleeding started. I bled for 5 months and practically lived at the Dr office. Then did $4000 in tests and told me nothing except I was low on progesterone. They gave me many shot (Depo-provera and Progesterone) which eventually stopped the bleeding. I asked them at that time about something my friend thought I could have called PCOS. They dismissed it and gave me yet another shot in the hip.
I went 9 months with no bleeding. Then suddenly again the bleeding started. Lasted 3 months and stopped with some herbal pills a friend gave me (Black Kohosh, Ceyanne, Red Raspberry) Then Once again Nothing for 13 months this time. Then on Feb 19th I started to bleed again. Now in Idaho I went to a Dr again seeking help to stop the bleeding. All I had to do was tell him what is going on with me and he said I had PCOS. They have now done the blood work, the biopsy of my uterus (results back today all was benign.), and a pap. They also gave me 10 days of progesterone to stop the bleeding. However it did not work. It almost stopped it for about 2 days then started right back up. I am going crazy with all this bleeding. I just want to be active and healthy again, and all I feel is fat and sluggish. Grrr
Like I said i am 26 (but feel 56), 317 lbs (and it won't go down), have skin tags, dark patches of skin on my neck, etc..., have hair on my neck and face that makes me afraid to have my hubby touch my cheek, want at least one child of own, and am still bleeding. been to dietitian lat week, had gallbladder out in March (much harder surgery than planned) Dr plans to put me on Metformin soon, and then start fertilization stuff from there which i do not understand ANY of. Or if I have to loose weight first, or how much is safe to be preg. WOW. Over load I know. Too much on my chest, and needed it off. Thanks for being here!
I am 26 yrs old. I have been over weight my entire life. (About 200 lbs since age 14) I grew REALLY fast from 8-12. For no real reason. I did all the normal kids stuff and it did no good. Anyways I have had heavy long periods since I was 11.
in October of 2003 I got married to my wonderful loving Husband Greg. 1 month before the wedding I started BC. It raised hell with my hormones and weight. 1 yr, and 100 lbs later i stopped cold. So did my wight gain. (Unfortunately the unbalance of moods lasted a bit longer) Ok, so I did not have a menstrual cycle for 4 months after going off. Then I had horrible pain, and HUGE clots and found out I had miscarried at about 2 weeks. that is when the bleeding started. I bled for 5 months and practically lived at the Dr office. Then did $4000 in tests and told me nothing except I was low on progesterone. They gave me many shot (Depo-provera and Progesterone) which eventually stopped the bleeding. I asked them at that time about something my friend thought I could have called PCOS. They dismissed it and gave me yet another shot in the hip.
I went 9 months with no bleeding. Then suddenly again the bleeding started. Lasted 3 months and stopped with some herbal pills a friend gave me (Black Kohosh, Ceyanne, Red Raspberry) Then Once again Nothing for 13 months this time. Then on Feb 19th I started to bleed again. Now in Idaho I went to a Dr again seeking help to stop the bleeding. All I had to do was tell him what is going on with me and he said I had PCOS. They have now done the blood work, the biopsy of my uterus (results back today all was benign.), and a pap. They also gave me 10 days of progesterone to stop the bleeding. However it did not work. It almost stopped it for about 2 days then started right back up. I am going crazy with all this bleeding. I just want to be active and healthy again, and all I feel is fat and sluggish. Grrr
Like I said i am 26 (but feel 56), 317 lbs (and it won't go down), have skin tags, dark patches of skin on my neck, etc..., have hair on my neck and face that makes me afraid to have my hubby touch my cheek, want at least one child of own, and am still bleeding. been to dietitian lat week, had gallbladder out in March (much harder surgery than planned) Dr plans to put me on Metformin soon, and then start fertilization stuff from there which i do not understand ANY of. Or if I have to loose weight first, or how much is safe to be preg. WOW. Over load I know. Too much on my chest, and needed it off. Thanks for being here!
05-24-2007 04:50 PM
Well, the bleeding continues. It is getting worse too. I am going through a diaper every 45 minutes. If I let it go longer than that it leaks everywhere. Sometimes more often than that. My lower back is killing me, and my ovaries/uterus is cramping like crazy. I got the results back on my blood work today. I am 100% PCOS positive, I am 100% insulin resistant, and I may even be diabetic. The Dr said she wants me to let the blood keep coming out so that my system will be empty of all the build up, but I think it makes new stuff every day and will never end! All in all I have had a really rather poopy day. I think I will go crawl in a hole and cry now.
Starting Metformin tomorrowOk, well I got ALL my blood work back. The good news is my glucose levels were in the normal range (high end of normal, but normal). The not so good, but expected part is that I am insulin resistance. So, besides the Provera I am taking now for the bleeding, I start Metformin tomorrow night. I am pretty nervous. I have a lot planned for the weekend, and have to work every week day, so I REALLY do not want to feel sick from taking this. I need it to work too. Over all I am just scared, excited, and I think taking it out on my H. He tries to be helpful, but I am irritable at him and he doesn't understand why. Heck, I'm not sure I understand why. Can I blame the Provera? I am sure blaming it for the tender breasts LOL.
Anyways, just an update and a source to vent to I guess.
Thanks
I need it to work too. Over all I am just scared, excited, and I think taking it out on my H. He tries to be helpful, but I am irritable at him and he doesn't understand why. Heck, I'm not sure I understand why. Can I blame the Provera? I am sure blaming it for the tender breasts LOL. Anyways, just an update and a source to vent to I guess.
Thanks06-04-2007 05:05 PM
day 3 and still OK.Well ladies, I have been on the Metformin for 3 days now. I have been a little nauseated on and off, but nothing too bad. I also had a bit of diarrhea, but it has passed. Everything I have been reading tells me this is too good to be true. I am a bit scared. Will it get worse as I continue to take it. I take 1 500mg @ night, after 7 days i will go up to 100mg, then by week 3 I will be at 1500mg each night at dinner time. Does this sound right. I really don't want to get sick. What do you all think?
06-06-2007 08:55 AM
Thanks for the support. I am pretty queezy this morning, but I think it is better than it was an hour ago. I have to work Monday-Friday, 8-5. So I just can't be sick anymore. Maybe I am willing myself not to be. 
I had gallbladder surgery only 2 1/2 months ago, and missed a ton of work. Then this PCOS stuff went through the roof, so I missed a lot from that too. My boss has been Sooooooo patient, but she may loose it if I miss more days. Grrrrr health issues are a pain in the pa-toot!
I had gallbladder surgery only 2 1/2 months ago, and missed a ton of work. Then this PCOS stuff went through the roof, so I missed a lot from that too. My boss has been Sooooooo patient, but she may loose it if I miss more days. Grrrrr health issues are a pain in the pa-toot!
06-15-2007 09:28 AM
Metformin Day 13.
Well, as the days have gone on and as I upped from 500mg to 100mg I have felt a bit more sick. (especially today, I am so tired, and I am so sick of running to the bathroom) I have had nausea and diarrhea every morning till about 11am. I still do not think it is anywhere as bad as it could be, so I am happy about that. Plus I have lost 7 1/2 pounds. No I am not sure if it is the Met, the Herbalife diet shakes and healthy eating, or the fact the I have this chronic diarrhea that has caused the weight loss. I know I am full after only a few bites of food now. and I don't have ANY desire for greasy, fatty foods (icky). Chocolates is still hard to resist, but what can I say, it's a woman thing. LOL
Well, as the days have gone on and as I upped from 500mg to 100mg I have felt a bit more sick. (especially today, I am so tired, and I am so sick of running to the bathroom) I have had nausea and diarrhea every morning till about 11am. I still do not think it is anywhere as bad as it could be, so I am happy about that. Plus I have lost 7 1/2 pounds. No I am not sure if it is the Met, the Herbalife diet shakes and healthy eating, or the fact the I have this chronic diarrhea that has caused the weight loss. I know I am full after only a few bites of food now. and I don't have ANY desire for greasy, fatty foods (icky). Chocolates is still hard to resist, but what can I say, it's a woman thing. LOL
06-18-2007 09:02 AM
I finally started my final upped dosage of Met last night. I am now taking 1500mg each night with dinner. I really do not feel well this morning. Sick at both ends.
I am at work non the less, and trying to keep to a semi normal days schedule. On the really plus side I have dropped another 3lbs. That make for 10 in the last week and a half. Hooray!
Hey, thank you everyone for your support. It is so nice to check everyday and know at least someone knows what I am going through.
~Big huggs~
I am at work non the less, and trying to keep to a semi normal days schedule. On the really plus side I have dropped another 3lbs. That make for 10 in the last week and a half. Hooray!
Hey, thank you everyone for your support. It is so nice to check everyday and know at least someone knows what I am going through.
~Big huggs~
03-10-2010 02:36 PM
Coming HomeHi, I joined this forum about 3 years ago, but when I moved back in the end of 07 I fizzled due to no internet and njust never made it back.
Well, now.. more determined than ever I am back and ready to make the best of the opinions, support, and friendship offered here.
I am 29 and was only diagnosed with PCOS in 07, though I have been dealing with it unknown since I was only 11.
I have most all the usual issues (man hair on my face, horrible weight issues, can't conceve, some hair thinning on my head, insulin resistance, some depression, and ms from hell)
There is a bit of a twist though, I have the go 5-12 months w/o a period thing... but then when I do start I flow for 2-4 months at a time. And it is aweful flow that takes away my life. I pass clotts the size of baseballs, and fill ginormous thick pads in 15-30 mins. I take provera 10mg for this and also an herbal help called Dim-Pro but neither seem to be working as well these last few cycles. Right now I am so desperate to stop bleeding I am actually thinking about the + side of a hysterectomy. Which is very bad because I pray for a child.
Lets see, I am supposed to take Metformin, but it makes me so sick I can't work. So I have the bottle but haven't takin it in over a yr.
I also had something crazy happen a few weeks ago. My BFF (who has 3 children) offered to carry a child for me. I do not even know what to make of this... is is a real thing? Is it possible? I am sooo broke and I bet it would be a zillion dollars. But if it were real wow! I have so much running through my head, and not sure where to process it all.
So, anyways, I am happy to be back here and look forward to hearing from my Cysters.
Well, now.. more determined than ever I am back and ready to make the best of the opinions, support, and friendship offered here.
I am 29 and was only diagnosed with PCOS in 07, though I have been dealing with it unknown since I was only 11.
I have most all the usual issues (man hair on my face, horrible weight issues, can't conceve, some hair thinning on my head, insulin resistance, some depression, and ms from hell)
There is a bit of a twist though, I have the go 5-12 months w/o a period thing... but then when I do start I flow for 2-4 months at a time. And it is aweful flow that takes away my life. I pass clotts the size of baseballs, and fill ginormous thick pads in 15-30 mins. I take provera 10mg for this and also an herbal help called Dim-Pro but neither seem to be working as well these last few cycles. Right now I am so desperate to stop bleeding I am actually thinking about the + side of a hysterectomy. Which is very bad because I pray for a child.
Lets see, I am supposed to take Metformin, but it makes me so sick I can't work. So I have the bottle but haven't takin it in over a yr.
I also had something crazy happen a few weeks ago. My BFF (who has 3 children) offered to carry a child for me. I do not even know what to make of this... is is a real thing? Is it possible? I am sooo broke and I bet it would be a zillion dollars. But if it were real wow! I have so much running through my head, and not sure where to process it all.
So, anyways, I am happy to be back here and look forward to hearing from my Cysters.
1-30-11 12:05 AM
Over (and over and over and over)Well, it has been another almost YEAR! So much has happened. Just as I was getting back on the wagon (Got a Gym membership, personal trainer, job, herbs, etc...) I ended up in the ER and on the operating table. In the first week of July 2010 I went into the ER with HORRIBLE abdominal pains. Pain to the point of passing out... and no idea what it was coming from. At first the Dr decided it must be Kidney Stones. After a CT scan it turned out I do have them, but they are not the problem. (Joy
)
Then they discovered I had a cyst on my right ovary. They Dr. said it was pretty big (about the size of a softball) Then despite my pleading to "fix" it, they sent me home with pain pills and a follow up with a gyn. I managed to get in the next day because the drugs were not helping the pain at all. The gyn took one look at me and said, "I can't help you. Go back to the ER".
I was wheeled back over there and sobbing like I was dying (picture the women in movies who act like idiots during birth.. that was me.) It was the same ER Dr. , and he found that the cyst had strangulated my ovary (thus the pain) so put me in for surgery within the HOUR.
He said it was no big deal, just a tiny cut, drain the cyst and slide it out the hole. RIIIIIIIGHT!
So I wake up 7 hours later and and so drugged and crippled I think I must have had a lobotomy. It turns out that the cyst was in fact NOT the size of a softball, but the size and shape of a FOOTBALL! It also had mass in it, so they could not drain it to pull it out. Instead I had a 5" incision right up the middle of me from my lower belly up into my belly button.
I was laid up (in a recliner because I couldn't get out of the bed.. or sleep on my side) for over 6 weeks. I lost my job, my home, and my car blew up. On top of it all, I got my hopes up about not bleeding all the time. Hoping that it had been my problem all along. And after 2 months, the bleeding started again.. just like every other time.
So, now, I am not happy with me or my life. I get spurts of motivation.. but they die out fast. I do know I have to change me. I know I have to fix me. I know I can NOT give up.
So, here I am AGAIN, starting over.
)Then they discovered I had a cyst on my right ovary. They Dr. said it was pretty big (about the size of a softball) Then despite my pleading to "fix" it, they sent me home with pain pills and a follow up with a gyn. I managed to get in the next day because the drugs were not helping the pain at all. The gyn took one look at me and said, "I can't help you. Go back to the ER".
I was wheeled back over there and sobbing like I was dying (picture the women in movies who act like idiots during birth.. that was me.) It was the same ER Dr. , and he found that the cyst had strangulated my ovary (thus the pain) so put me in for surgery within the HOUR.
He said it was no big deal, just a tiny cut, drain the cyst and slide it out the hole. RIIIIIIIGHT!
So I wake up 7 hours later and and so drugged and crippled I think I must have had a lobotomy. It turns out that the cyst was in fact NOT the size of a softball, but the size and shape of a FOOTBALL! It also had mass in it, so they could not drain it to pull it out. Instead I had a 5" incision right up the middle of me from my lower belly up into my belly button.
I was laid up (in a recliner because I couldn't get out of the bed.. or sleep on my side) for over 6 weeks. I lost my job, my home, and my car blew up. On top of it all, I got my hopes up about not bleeding all the time. Hoping that it had been my problem all along. And after 2 months, the bleeding started again.. just like every other time.
So, now, I am not happy with me or my life. I get spurts of motivation.. but they die out fast. I do know I have to change me. I know I have to fix me. I know I can NOT give up.
So, here I am AGAIN, starting over.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Nephews = No diet.
My nephews were here today. I love those boys, but it is impossible to stick to a healthy eating schedule around them. B. brought me a cheese stick, and they wanted Chinese for dinner (so of course I made an awesome Chinese smorgasbord of yumminess), then after dinner we had to break into the ice cream. Because how could we play Halo, and not eat ice cream???
I so did not walk today, I did not exercise at all... unless you count cooking dinner as working up a sweat? lol. I flat out bombed today. :( I don't think I am even going to take a picture tonight.
However, I did make a delicious dinner, I did have a fun afternoon and evening with the boys, and I did get most of my pictures edited.
Overall I guess I can't complain to bad.
I so did not walk today, I did not exercise at all... unless you count cooking dinner as working up a sweat? lol. I flat out bombed today. :( I don't think I am even going to take a picture tonight.
However, I did make a delicious dinner, I did have a fun afternoon and evening with the boys, and I did get most of my pictures edited.
Overall I guess I can't complain to bad.
Wonder of wonders, Miracle of miracles!
I set up a blog for my little sister tonight and when I added her to follow my blog all my posts just popped up on her follow stream. It was CRAZY! but I was able to go onto google reader and copied and pasted the whole thing. YAY! So here is a repost of it. No comments unfortunately, but at least it is here.
from The Fast Track to Nowhere by Anndrea
So, if you are anything like me you have been hearing a lot about this new HCG diet.Or maybe you are even on it? I sure have been hearing a lot about it, and it seems it just appeared out of nowhere. It was about 6 months ago when I first was told about it by a friend who had a friend who had a sister who was on it. They claimed she had lost over 30 lbs in just 2 months.. and it was sooo easy. Well, I am skeptical, and when I was told the key is they are only allowed 500 calories, I made up my mind then and there not to look into it any further.
However I have been hearing even more positive about it in the last few weeks that is making me rethink my initial conclusions. My mother in law's sister is on it for the 2nd time right now and was thrilled to have lost 30 lbs her first 30 day cycle. She also claims she is not hungry at all. I am so unsure of how "not hungry" I would be.. not to mention I am constantly told by Drs and other "experts" that not eating is the worst thing you can do.
I did some research tonight and learned more about the product and what it really does. I found out "HCG stands for Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. It's a naturally occurring hormone-like substance found in pregnant women. HCG basically pulls the stored fat from the mother's body to make sure the developing baby has enough nutrients to develop properly." The site I got this info from is, of course, trying to sell a product, so if you go there be prepared for a sales pitch. But their information seemed solid and was easy to follow.
I am still not sure what I think of it all. I want to loose this weight so badly. I do NOT agree that it can be done with no exercise. That is just silly, and naive. However, if it really does make the other parts easier.. wouldn't it be worth it??? Then again I am so broke. I really can't bring myself to waste money I do not have on another scam.
I would LOVE to get others opinions, ideas, experiences and vote on where to go from here.
However I have been hearing even more positive about it in the last few weeks that is making me rethink my initial conclusions. My mother in law's sister is on it for the 2nd time right now and was thrilled to have lost 30 lbs her first 30 day cycle. She also claims she is not hungry at all. I am so unsure of how "not hungry" I would be.. not to mention I am constantly told by Drs and other "experts" that not eating is the worst thing you can do.
I did some research tonight and learned more about the product and what it really does. I found out "HCG stands for Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. It's a naturally occurring hormone-like substance found in pregnant women. HCG basically pulls the stored fat from the mother's body to make sure the developing baby has enough nutrients to develop properly." The site I got this info from is, of course, trying to sell a product, so if you go there be prepared for a sales pitch. But their information seemed solid and was easy to follow.
I am still not sure what I think of it all. I want to loose this weight so badly. I do NOT agree that it can be done with no exercise. That is just silly, and naive. However, if it really does make the other parts easier.. wouldn't it be worth it??? Then again I am so broke. I really can't bring myself to waste money I do not have on another scam.
I would LOVE to get others opinions, ideas, experiences and vote on where to go from here.
Halloween with out the hicups
from The Fast Track to Nowhere by Anndrea
I think today was good. I walked through a corn maze, didn't down the candy, carved a pumpkin, watched a stupid/scary movie (so not my kind of movie), and had a good time with the little boys.
Feeling good about myself for lack of sugar consumed and amount of movement achieved.. I promptly came home tonight and ate a leftover piece of my death by chocolate birthday cake!
Enuff said.
Feeling good about myself for lack of sugar consumed and amount of movement achieved.. I promptly came home tonight and ate a leftover piece of my death by chocolate birthday cake!
Enuff said.
from The Fast Track to Nowhere by Anndrea
So today I finally started. I have been thinking about this for weeks and talking about it for days. So now here I am at the jumping off point. I am officially 30. My birthday has come and gone and I am now...old. Ok, so not so old, but too old to let my life continue on as it has. Too old to let my goals sit abandoned on the shelf waiting for that ever elusive "better time to start". And deffinately too old to hope some miracle will appear out of thin air and make everything easy for me. So if it will never be easy, then I can only surmise as I continue to age it will in fact only get harder.
Seize the day! Carpe Diem! The time is now!
Starting today I have takien a picture of myself in all my fat semi-nekked glory. (No you can NOT see it.*hmph* perv!) I plan to take one of these pictures each day along my journey. I will talk about my goals, successes, and even failures on here. (Just a heades up, I am a talker and might throw in a few extra thoughts as time passes too.)
My plan is to go along this plan for the next year. My gift to myself on my birthday next year is to be able to see all the pictures I have taken in a stop motion film showing me shrinking. I want to be a healthier, happier me.
Any comments, support, and friendship is welcome. If you would like to join me in this endevor, please feel free to join my group, and share your thoughts too.
So, here is to today, tomorrow and whatever may come.
Seize the day! Carpe Diem! The time is now!
Starting today I have takien a picture of myself in all my fat semi-nekked glory. (No you can NOT see it.*hmph* perv!) I plan to take one of these pictures each day along my journey. I will talk about my goals, successes, and even failures on here. (Just a heades up, I am a talker and might throw in a few extra thoughts as time passes too.)
My plan is to go along this plan for the next year. My gift to myself on my birthday next year is to be able to see all the pictures I have taken in a stop motion film showing me shrinking. I want to be a healthier, happier me.
Any comments, support, and friendship is welcome. If you would like to join me in this endevor, please feel free to join my group, and share your thoughts too.
So, here is to today, tomorrow and whatever may come.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day something-or-other... Starting over (and over) again.
I have been doing this blog for about a week now. I have been really excited and into it. I have done all the things I planned to do. But now, I kinda feel lost... like what is the point? I went to log on earlier this evening and found my blog was blank. All I have posted and poured my heart into has just vanished. I tried recovering it in many different ways, but all to no avail. It has simply been eaten by the.. well what? I don't know what ate it. :s
So if by some miracle someone out there loved my words so much they copied them, or can find a cached copy from anytime before today... I would love to be sent a copy, please.
It's weird in a way. Like a part of me has been stolen. I put a lot of heart and feeling into my thoughts. For it to just be missing is so frustrating... so ugh, hollow.
Now, I guess it is up to me to start over. I need to find the positive... anyone know where it is? Oh I know! In a desperate attempt to find a cached copy of the blog I reestablished contact with an old friend, and it felt great! Friends are so key for me. I want all my friends to know what an impact you make on my life. You inspire me to be a better person. I see your lives and want to be like you (not in a creepy stalker way I promise) and I want you to be proud of me.
So, I suppose here is to a fresh start, and a clean *sob* (very empty) slate.
DAY 1 (again)
So if by some miracle someone out there loved my words so much they copied them, or can find a cached copy from anytime before today... I would love to be sent a copy, please.
It's weird in a way. Like a part of me has been stolen. I put a lot of heart and feeling into my thoughts. For it to just be missing is so frustrating... so ugh, hollow.
Now, I guess it is up to me to start over. I need to find the positive... anyone know where it is? Oh I know! In a desperate attempt to find a cached copy of the blog I reestablished contact with an old friend, and it felt great! Friends are so key for me. I want all my friends to know what an impact you make on my life. You inspire me to be a better person. I see your lives and want to be like you (not in a creepy stalker way I promise) and I want you to be proud of me.
So, I suppose here is to a fresh start, and a clean *sob* (very empty) slate.
DAY 1 (again)
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